Crawl (2019) Review

by Joshua Hess

Another predictable "scary" movie that offers little to nothing and takes itself way too seriously.

Normally, I avoid movies like these. I think they offer nothing new, and they are totally predictable. However, I watched Crawl because it stuck out a bit more to me. Most of this was because of Sam Raimi's name plastered to it. Many moviegoers like myself saw this thinking it would be halfway decent. I mean, it would have to be if Sam Raimi had anything to do with it. Unfortunately, his name on the poster was the only major connection it seems he had with this film. The real reason why his name is all over this thing is because it was produced by his company, Ghost House Pictures. The creators of this film figured they would draw in more of an audience if they branded almost every poster they could with his name, and boy were they right.

Another false advertisement that I have seen everywhere is the film's willingness to be self aware. Whenever I think of a "self aware" thriller movie, I think of something like Piranha 3D. While that film wasn't perfect, it clung to its silly plot and gave us plenty of campy and zany situations that worked pretty well. That isn't the case for this film as it feels like I'm watching the exact kind of movie everyone claims it makes fun of, from its melodramatic dialogue to its over reliance on jump scares.

That leads me to my next point on my list, the barrage of jump scares that are thrown my way. I'm not discounting jump scares in anyway here. I think that a jump scare could work very well if done in a clever and interesting way. The main problem with many horror films of this generation is their heavy reliance on the jump scare idea. Jump scares should not be used as a safety blanket or a cushion, they should be a tool in your horror movie utility belt. They shouldn't be the main course, they should be the seasoning. If Crawl is trying to be a self aware thriller movie, then show me. I shouldn't have to sit through 45 minutes of fake tension building for the first unfunny joke.

As far as the plot of this movie goes, it feels pretty scarce, and predictable. A category five hurricane is making its way to this Floridian town that our main character lives in. Our main character, Haley, has one personality trait; she is really stupid. Her first lines in this movie showcase her being baffled by the idea that the hurricane is still coming, despite her sister calling her to tell her that people are being evacuated. (Also, I found it funny that people are being evacuated because of how dangerous this hurricane is supposed to be, but they still squeeze in a swim practice that Haley is participating in.) Haley learns that her dad has not answered his phone in awhile so she drives to his house in a hurry. Upon her arrival she finds the house is empty except for a dog named Sugar, which belongs to her dad.

Here is where I start to get aggravated. Once you throw a dog into the central focus of your plot, I almost immediately lose interest. Not because I have anything against dogs, I just find it really shallow when a film has to put an animal in distress to get a few shocks in the audience. Of course, this movie is way too tame to do anything to the dog. They put the thing in stressful situations that make you think something might happen, but those types of scenes have been in every movie of this genre since Jaws, I'm getting kind of tired of it. It honestly gets to the point where I start to think to myself "either kill the dog or don't, just stop showing these god awful tension building scenes." They add nothing to the overall plot and they do more harm than good in the long run. Just leave the dogs out of it. Please.

Anyway, she goes to this old house that she grew up in, I suppose. The film doesn't make it entirely clear. Either that or it was a throwaway line that I didn't care enough to latch onto. She goes into the basement/crawl space type thing and finds him passed out with deep cuts in his chest. Instead of immediately calling 911 however she decides to pull him around a bit and then get attacked by an alligator. The dad wakes up after she gets attacked and explains that he was down there to...put up fencing. In the crawl space. In a house he doesn't live in. During a hurricane. Okay.

That is just one of many stupid moments in this movie, but long story short, the alligators swim around, bite the dad and Haley a few times, kill like five people, and then swim some more. Haley, her dad and Sugar the plot device get rescued by a helicopter, happily ever after. I think this ending is probably one of the worst I've ever seen. For one, the final shot is a still frame of Haley holding a flare. It holds for a couple seconds and then cuts to black and starts playing "See You Later, Alligator" by Bill Haley & His Comets, as if we were supposed to leave the theater laughing or something. This is another one of those moments where the film pretends to be something that it isn't. If you want to make a thriller with a bunch of jump scares, then do it. If you want to make a self aware horror comedy that will get some dumb laughs, then make it. Just stick to a theme and a tone and make it work for your narrative. Stop bouncing back and forth between the two and act like you are blending them together perfectly. It does not work, at all.

I honestly can not think of very much that was good about this movie. Some of the computer generated effects were decent, but most came out looking kind of cheap and not good. Which is surprising to me because the estimated budget of this film is $13.5 million. The acting wasn't terrible. It wasn't Oscar worthy or anything, but the job was done.

And that is pretty much all I can think of to say.

2/10. Do you agree with me? Yes or no? Let me know!